Thoughts on loss

This post has been coming for a while now and after hitting and killing a beautiful deer with our car a week and a half ago, the Lord prodded my heart that the time was now. Strange, I know.

My family had an opportunity recently to minister to a small community that has suffered tremendous loss. In 2008 an EF5 tornado ripped through the north part of the town followed by an even more devastating flood. Since that time, this small community has tragically lost several of its residents. 

The town is spiritually dead. Sometimes when things happen that we don't understand, we shut God out. People begin to say, "If God was so good, why would He have let this happen?" I love Billy Graham's daughter, Anne's response to this question after Hurricane Katrina. "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?"

Ouch.

During the year of 2008, I was dealing with my own loss. Loss of a dream, loss of loved ones. These words came to me as I was lying in a bathtub one morning feeling like I had lost my sanity: 

I am broken.

With the weight of the world on my shoulders, I come to Him again, Broken.

My Savior needed me to get to this point.  A place where I once again put my faith

in Him.  I cry out to Him.  It feels like He's not listening.  I beg for mercy.  Silence.

Hope is fleeting.  He's teaching me something.  He has to be.

I have turned into something I don't recognize.  An unloving, selfish monster.  Full of

pride, full of fear, full of doubt.  Doubt-an interesting thought.  The One I so willingly

trusted as a child. Why do I not trust Him anymore?  Have the callouses on my heart

caused my unbelief.  My unbelief is laughable if I think about it.  When I look back on my life.

The things he has brought me through, how he's protected me and carried me.  Shameful.

So now I've recognized my wrongs.  I need Him and Him alone.  But He leaves me here.

Why?  I'm tired of being in this muck.  I want to get out.  Day after day I search for answers.

I listen to His word and try to obey.  But my circumstances do not change. I'm sinking deeper

and deeper and wonder if I am ever going to get out.

Then I hear a whisper, "grab my hand."  I think it's been there all along.  The dirt in my

face has clouded my vision.  Now that I think of it, He's been whispering all along as well,

but my head was too focussed on my circumstances to hear it.  I grab on.  I'm in deep so

the pull is hard.  It stretches my body and hurts a little,  But now that I'm out, I can breathe.

He wipes the dirt of my face and sets me high upon a rock.  When my eyes focus I realize this

rock he has set me on is actually the palm of his hand.  He's got me.   My wounds instantly start

to heal.  I lie down.  I want to rest in Him.  He holds me there.  He reminds me of his promises

once again.  He reminds me that those who wait patiently for the Lord will be renewed like the

eagles.  He tells me every perfect gift comes from Him.  He tells me I'm forgiven.  Forgiven.  What

a thought!  I entertain the thought that I don't deserve that gift.  He reminds me who paid the price

for that precious gift.  I willingly take his forgiveness.  He offers me so much more.  He offers me

pure love, peace, joy unspeakable.

I start to wonder, why did I ever leave His side?  Why did I stop trusting Him.  I got complacent.

I was becoming lukewarm.  It wasn't really anything that I was doing.  It was more about what I

was not doing.  I was serving Him just enough to get by.  I let fear get a hold of me so I could not

bring the good news to the lost around me.  Saying all the right things but doing none of the right

things.  I was lukewarm in the flesh.  So He broke me.  He broke me and it hurt.   But now I am

better for it.  Just like when our parents disciplined us as we were children, our Heavenly Father

disciplines us so we can be restored back to him.

I am so thankful I have a God who loves me enough to let me be broken for a while, so I can

see my need for Him, and then rescues me once again.

Written out of a broken and contrite heart.

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008.

Naomi Probert

I pour my heart out to encourage you. God knows your hurts. He wants you to trust Him.  This isn't the easiest post to write. But there is good news! One of the songs that my family sings has this line, "God sees the storm from the other side...He knows the lessons learned and just beyond the clouds He sees clear skies. He speaks peace to the raging storm when peace could not be found, He already sees the rainbow, when we see only clouds." 

I don't know if we had made the decision to adopt if we hadn't experienced this loss. God took us from a place of complacency to a place of listening to His voice and His call on our lives and trusting that He knows best. 

Unfortunately, loss is a very real part of adoption. Babies have lost their mommies. That's a loss I cannot fathom. Adoption is a way to restore something terribly broken.  My prayer is that we can lead Lydie and Samson through the periods of loss they may experience and to let them know that God will NEVER EVER let them go. It's the best gift we can give them, the knowledge of the love of God in this broken world that has denied it. 

Team Haiti

It started with 7 families in March. "Team Haiti"-my lifeline. The people who know exactly what we're going through. Prayer warriors, friends for life. It's a group of adopting families-27 members and growing. All adopting from Maison. Our kids know each other, we know each other. We communicate on a daily basis, offering encouragement to those who need encouragement. We answer each other's questions, we share photos and videos. On family bonding trips those of us who aren't able to travel to Haiti receive word from those who have about how our kids are doing.  I don't know where I would be emotionally without these people in my life. They are all gifts from God.

November is National Adoption Month and Sunday, November 6th is Orphan Sunday. I felt a need to make a video and present it to our home church and ask for people to pray for those currently waiting for their children to come home.  Prayer from God's people activates the Heavens. Would you consider praying along with us?

These families have beautiful hearts. I can say with certainty that none of them feel what they are doing is amazing. They are just answering a call. Please pray for my dear Team Haiti friends.

P.S. Just a little note about the song I chose for this video. It is written by another Haiti adoptive mom Cindy Foote. She is adopting from a different orphanage and waiting just like us. I felt the song was so perfect for this video so I asked her if I could use it. If you have a minute, stop by her place and check out her music or offer an encouraging word. 

One Year Ago Today

Just a short note to commemorate the one-year anniversary of our decision to adopt Samson Pierre and Lydie Fignole (these are/were their last names).  We sat in a coffee shop with two files in front of us and Stephen and I agreed together that we were supposed to adopt them both.

It has been an amazing journey so far and we're just getting started!

As far as any updates, we don't have any. We seem to be in the stuck position at the moment. Several of our adoption friends have heard some very good news that they are out of IBESR now so we are celebrating with them.

We benefited from our friends traveling to Haiti this week by receiving some fresh new photos.

Trying to stay patient,
Naomi

One of a kind

I may get a little weepy here. I apologize in advance.

There is no one quite like Stephen Peter Probert.  Those who know him personally are nodding their heads in agreement right about now.

The man never stops. He may have an energizer battery pack tucked away somewhere and I just haven't found it yet.

He's a handyman. He's renovated our house from top to bottom and just keeps going. It's 10:30 p.m. and I just heard the skill saw running outside.

There's so much I could say about the man I married nearly 14 years ago.  He is my best friend. Although it irritates me sometimes, I am so blessed to have someone in my life who knows exactly who I am.

Stephen wars against the status quo. Sometimes he is misunderstood, but he wants what is best for those around him. He doesn't really care what people think as long as he knows it is what God has called him to do. He isn't afraid to speak the truth and will go out of his way to bless others. He listens intently to the Spirit's call on his life.

Stephen started a new job in July. It hasn't been the easiest transition and many projects around the house remained unfinished because of the unexpected loss of a summer break. Last weekend the weight of it all became temporarily overwhelming. How were we going to get all this stuff done before the kids got here? We had put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We discussed the possibility of having to say no to things, even if they were good things.

God usually has different plans doesn't he? This afternoon I received an email from my aunt who asked if Stephen would be willing to help my uncle bail corn stalks as they were feeling overwhelmed and my uncle was experiencing terrible back pain. Stephen rearranged his schedule so tomorrow he can go help my uncle.

This evening he went to pump gas in his truck and noticed a man standing outside the gas station charging his phone. Stephen asked him if everything was okay and the man told him he had been evicted from his home. He ended up spending a big chunk of his evening finding a place for the man to stay tonight. He also invited him to church on Sunday.

When Stephen made the decision to follow Christ many years ago, he never turned back. His greatest passion is knowing who Jesus is. He makes no apologies about that. It was a blessing to me to watch him live out his faith today.

If there are any single ladies reading this post, let me offer this piece of advice. Don't settle. You deserve someone who loves the Lord with his whole heart. It's the only way he will know how to truly love you.

A couple weeks ago I asked Stephen to share his thoughts on adoption. You can read his story here.


We sure do have a lot of fun together! Of course, no marriage is without it's bumps along the way. I don't want to give you the wrong impression of pure wedded bliss. Those size 13's rarely go where they are suppose to go!  But on the stuff that really matters, I know I hit the jackpot!
















Lydie and Samson, you have an awesome, strong, caring, and weird dad. I know you will love him as much as I do.

Good Things

I can be a bit of a pessimist. I often look at this world we live in with a bit of a ho-hum attitude. My friend Rachel once said, "stop the world, I want to get off." I get that.

Most of the world doesn't live the way we do.  After traveling to Haiti my perceptions changed even more. How can I enjoy this fancy $30 meal when my kids are eating rice and beans tonight?

Several of the blogs I read regularly have been tackling the issue of poverty theology and prosperity and how that all fits in the life of a believer.  I am still working this out in my mind and heart.  I don't know if I'll ever understand why we are so blessed when others are not. Over and over I hear the words from U2's "Crumbs from your Table" in my mind...."where you live should not decide whether you live or whether you die."

What I do know for sure is if we have been blessed, we need to find a way to bless others.  James 1:27 says

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Is adoption enough? Is it all God has called Stephen and I to do? I don't think so. This is a lifetime calling to see the needs of the world and do something about it if we are able. I just have to pray that God would reveal these things in my heart and be willing to go where He wants me to go.

Yesterday I enjoyed life. And I think that's okay. Ecclesiastes 5: 18-19 says: Here is what I have seen: It is good to enjoy the good of all his labor in which he toils under the sun all the days of his life which God gives him; for it is his heritage. As for every man to whom God has given riches and wealth, and given him power to eat of it, to receive his heritage and rejoice in his labor-this is the gift of God. For he will not dwell unduly on the days of his life, because God keeps him busy with the joy of his heart.

It's kind of funny that I need a Bible verse to validate the fact that sometimes I find enjoyment in life. 

Last week my mother-in-law and I filled this entire truck with walnuts and leaves! Our 90-year-old neighbor who recently moved away gave us this wonderful gift for all the years we helped her out. It's a walnut picker-upper! Technically called a Nut Wizard. God bless the inventor of this little do-hicky. You have saved my life! It's actually fun to pick up walnuts now!

My Mother's Day gift from Stephen was a lemon tree. It's been so fun to watch the lemons grow on it. Earlier this summer a squirrel stole the lemons. So, I have taken all of his walnuts. Take that squirrel!! 

I spent a good amount of time observing this guy yesterday. The last time I saw a praying mantis was probably 20 years ago! They are a little alien-like aren't they?

My sister-in-law has raved about this little joint in downtown CF. I finally got a chance to stop in and see what all the fuss was about. There was a line out the door people! This place is the bomb! Missing in this photo are "Razzle Dazzle" and "Wedding Day." They are in my tummy. 

One of the difficulties in parenting two kids from an impoverished country will be to avoid the pitfall of spoiling them too much. I would feel like a failure if I found them protesting on Wall Street some day because they felt they didn't have enough. 

Thanks for listening. This blog is cheap therapy for me so thanks for letting me lie on your couch and blab. 

Enjoy these latest pictures of our babies (although they are not looking like babies any more).

Lydie & Samson

 (our heritage)

Blessed

Decided on Monday it was going to be a fast week.  Turns out we were right.  Made a pact with the husband to do a little something in the kid's room every night. I avoid the room on occasion because of some weird coping mechanism. Things are coming along and I hope to post pictures soon!

Came home after a long day of work one night and read this.  I am still processing Rebecca's blog post. There is one thing I know. God has blessed me beyond measure with friends who care for me and inspire me.  Thank you Rebecca, for your beautiful words. This journey sometimes is not easy and to know that we have wonderful friends in our corner, makes us strong.

Rebecca has inspired me to "go public" with my blog. She has also given me some wonderful new blogs to read, like this one. 

I love this picture of my sweet friend. She had a little secret at the time I took this (pregnant with their first daughter, Hannah).  Rebecca's outer beauty has always been indisputable, but her inner beauty pales in comparison.  I am rich because of friends like her.

We received word mid-week that our Power of Attorney letter that we had redone, had been received back at CCAI in record time! Usually it takes a document 2 weeks to get legalized at the Haitian Consulate. Our document took one week! So it has been mailed to Haiti and we will hopefully hear soon about where we are in the process. Of course, I will keep you posted!

The last highlight of the week came tonight. We spent several hours with a couple who is also adopting from our orphanage. We have a special kinship with them and know that the Lord put us together for a special purpose. It was so wonderful to talk freely about the process and know what it like to be in their shoes. They are a huge blessing to us!

There's just one more thing.....(my little tribute to Steve Jobs). Angie is back at Maison now and she posted a little update. She just happens to mention what my little Samson is up to these days! Check it out here.

College town

I grew up just minutes from the home of the Panthers. I always loved as a little kid riding in the car along the streets of the campus wondering about what it would be like to be a college student. Never really believing I would ever be old enough to be one. The students looked so mature to me. I wanted to be them.

Now, as I walk the streets of academia, I think to myself, "I'm 10+ years older than most of the students here." Thankfully, it was an away game on Saturday so I was able to move freely about the place.  Though I never attended as a student, I spent a lot of time here visiting my soon to be husband. I went to a community college in a nearby town and would often stop by on my way home to hang out.

 The Schindler Education Building where Stephen spent most of his time

I used to think these buildings were huge when I was a kid. I loved Christmas time when the students would decorate their windows with lights. 

I love being in my home town. It's so quaint. So, familiar. It gives me a chance to remember some very good times. I loved my childhood, loved my adolescent years, loved the college days. Some people long to forget their childhood, but I enjoyed mine.  Sure, those days weren't perfect, but they were much more simple. Black and white. So much laughter. Maturity sometimes thrown out the window. We all have to grow up some time. 

Of course, I had to go here before I left for mom and dad's! mmmmm

Growing up is overrated.